When We Turn on Ourselves: Self-Compassion for the Sensitive Therapist Struggling to Speak Up
As a highly sensitive therapist, I often feel pressure to communicate perfectly with clarity and calm. I find myself thinking, "If I only had the right words, then they’d get it.” But even when using the best timing, phrasing, and tone, we all know that communication can fall flat. The idea that people will listen as long as we’re perfectly regulated and articulate ignores the reality that communication is complex, and it’s a two-way street. Read on to learn more about how self-compassion, not perfectionism, may be what we need when we’re struggling to speak up.
The Sensitivity Superpower—and Its Double Edge
Being highly attuned to the world around you can give you an amazing advantage as a therapist. Your clients likely feel you have a unique, even uncanny, ability to understand them. You’re probably pretty used to hearing, “Exactly!” whenever you offer complex reflections to your clients.
But it’s not all sunshine and rainbows for highly sensitive therapists. High attunement can also make interpersonal boundaries harder. Our ability to sense others’ moods can lead us to respond to their needs before they even ask. It’s pretty uncommon to find someone who will respond to that with, “Hey, you don’t need to do that for me.” More often, we get positive reinforcement for this behavior which can contribute to over-responsibility for our interactions.
Why We Blame Ourselves First
Though I value the instruction and guidance I received in my graduate program, I don’t remember ever hearing, “How did you feel when the client said/did that?” The focus was always on the client/other person–a mindset that was echoed by my upbringing and the sexist culture all around me. Training and culture can subtly promote the idea that ruptures always stem from the therapist’s misattunement. When we receive similar messages about interpersonal relationships, we may find our self-talk sounds something like: “I wasn’t clear enough,” “I should’ve spoken sooner,” “This is my fault.”
Image description: Man sitting on couch with his head in his hands
The Roots: When We Grew Up Attuning to Others
Highly sensitive therapists may relate to feeling like they were the “emotional barometers” in their families. If a parent was upset, we were on our best behavior, or wheeling out another A+ paper to make them smile, or seeing what we could do to smooth things over if they were quarreling with our other parent or a sibling. This can lead us to stay small and prioritize others’ comfort in order to feel secure. It can also lead us to downplay others’ responsibility for their own behavior because accepting that our caregivers were coming up short was/is too much to bear. As we grow older, these patterns can persist.
Remember: Communication Is a Two-Person System
We tend to acclimatize to the roles and relationships we grew up with. Like a well-worn couch groove, we’ll find ourselves in old patterns even when we consciously try to avoid them. It’s not uncommon for people who had a listener role from a young age to repeatedly find themselves in dynamics with people who struggle to listen or receive feedback. Self-criticism erases the reality of relational dynamics – even the best communicators will not be heard by someone who’s not receptive. Naming mutual responsibility is a compassionate way of rebalancing our perspective.
Applying Therapeutic Compassion to Ourselves
Borrowing compassion skills we use with clients and redirecting them inward may help shift our energy and mindset about difficult communication dynamics.
Practice pausing to identify emotional over-responsibility—See if you can notice what it feels like in your body. Is your heart racing? Is your chest tight?
Validate the difficulty and practice your compassionate voice—“Of course this feels hard. Take your time. I’m here with you.”
Recognize context—You’re human. While you have control over some things, your history, nervous system, the relational environment, and the surrounding culture also have a huge impact.
Image description: Person with their hands over their heart
Reframing Assertiveness: Not a Skill Problem but a Safety Problem
Difficulty speaking up often reflects past relational templates and current relational dynamics, not incompetence. Assertiveness grows where there is psychological safety, not pressure or shame. We can build psychological safety by reminding ourselves we’re only responsible for our own behavior. One of the best things we can do for our relationships is care deeply for ourselves, which may include stepping back or away if you’re not being heard and respected when you make the effort to speak up.
Sensitivity Is Not a Liability
As highly sensitive therapists, we communicate deeply and thoughtfully. When we direct this care and communication to ourselves through journaling, quiet self-reflection, and letters or emails of support and encouragement, we hear our own voices more clearly and learn what healthy communication feels like at a visceral level. Self-compassion strengthens—not weakens—our presence as well as our therapeutic voice.
All my best,
